Complete Moment of Transparency

I absolutely love nature, hiking through the woods, and being out in the elements minus the heat! lol I'm (DE-FI)nitely a member of #TeamWinter.  More frequently, I've been craving time with nature and learning to live off the land and grow my own food.  While owning a farm has always been a goal of mine as a part of my retirement plan at the age of 48.  I've been putting in the work the past 3 years in preparation.  

Always with my community in mind, I start Veggie Soul: The Urban Farmers' Market in 2019 as a way to teach the residents of west Dayton (where I live) and Trotwood how to garden and become more self-sustaining and self-sufficient in the midst of the food dessert that we live in.  While I have access and can afford to travel across town and sometimes to 2-3 different stores to get exactly what I want, many of my neighbors can't...and that's a problem.

There have (DE-FI)ntely been some bumps and unexpected plot twist along the way from an insecure and jealous business partner who was more concerned about whether my physical appearance and what I had on aligned with her basic image of what a farmer looks like. To opening the House of (DE-FI)ance: A Fashion & Design Co-working Experience,  and everything in between while in the midst of a global pandemic. 

I'm still committed to lessening my community's dependence on food pantries, the government, and corporate/co-op grocery stores...In 2022, we are planning to start growing on the property of the Church of Christ on Germantown Pike located in west Dayton.

Noirquility is more of an urban retreat, homestead bed and breakfast.  It's apart of my 5 year plan that I've been planning out in my head for over 15 years, I'll be sharing more details on that along the way.

I started writing this waaaaaay back in the Myspace days. I used to blog, I absolutely LOVE writing as you'll soon find out.  I started writing about my self discoveries in my 20's when I first found myself in this space. I could not (DE-FI)ne who I was, what I wanted, hell, I couldn't even tell you what I liked, or what the food that I just ate tasted like because life was coming at me so fast that I was just going through the motions just to keep my head above water. 

I was too scared to slow down, because slowing down would force me to see the mess.  Then one day, after speaking with my then business mentor about what my goals are, I was told that before I can reach those goals, I need to peel back the layers of my life like an onion.  That was about 14 years ago and every year I take note of things I've learned about myself, people, and life in general; I take a selfie in that moment and on my birthday, I add all of the lessons that I learned over the past 365 days to my #WhoAmI note.  I never delete anything, I just add a new layer.  So without further ado...

"Dear World, Let’s see where shall I start? I guess I should start off by saying that there are no pieces of me to figure out. I Am who I appear to be: casual, down to earth, college educated AND street smart. I Am respectful, driven, twisted, FIESTY, Flirty, open, INquisitive, LOVING, compassionate, complicated, Filterless, AND OVERwhelming. I'm non-conforming by nature and went ROGUE long before Sarah Palin made it a best seller. In the words of Shirley Chisholm, I’m UNbought and UNbossed and I’ll add UNmoved and UNbothered. My occupation is not giving a damn about the status quo. AND I can carry on a conVersation with just about anyone, anytime, and about anything. The SIMPLEST things in life cause me to smile. I'm NOT impressed by STATUS FYI so there is NO need to try and keep up appearances for me and BELIEVE me when I say, I won't put forth any effort to be anyone other than myself for you...and that means the GOOD, the Bad, and the ugly. I am the exact same person where ever I go and regardless of my audience...

I AM direct, you can say I'm opinionated...it's fine with me. I Am assertive AND aggressive, I AM NOT A BITCH! I Am kind and generous, yet far from being a doormat. I Am strong, however, not afraid to show my weakness. I Am confident AND still, I do HAVE INsecurities. I DO NOT tolerate: bigotry, DIShonesty, apathy, infidelity, ignorance OR hate. Everything else is negotiable. It's not my goal to be more religious, there are already too many "religious" people in the world as it is who use their "religion" to cause hurt and harm on those who don't look like, sound like, live like, or think like them. BEing a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N is my FAITH and Christ is my guide to living and BECOMING more spiritual...in my life's experiences, I've learned that the secret to spiritual success is UNflinching fearlessness that forges ahead during the most trying fight to finish my race. I DON'T have to SHOUT, or JUMP about, or SCREAM real loud to prove it to you, just know that I Do SERVE, WORSHIP and THANK GOD DAILY. 

My page is open to YOUR interpretation and is subject to YOUR perception. It is what YOU make of it. I Am NOT here to make sense of OR justify any of its content for YOU. State YOUR opinion. Express YOUR shock. Satisfy YOUR curiosity.BE amused.BE appalled.BE tickled.BE entertained. AND if YOU don't like what YOU see…Then BE on YOUR way... I have ZERO interest in doing numbers and no intent in participating in performance pacification for your comfortability. My skills and talents are creative and unique. My thoughts are nerdy, analytical, visionary, and innovative. In my moments of silence my mind is at its loudest. I'm constantly thinking and listening...when I'm thinking, I practice critical thinking, when I'm listening, I do it actively. Seeking self-awareness is a favorite hobby of mine; I am in a constant state of self-examination to make sure that who I say I am, aligns with who and where I want to be as ordered by God. In a world full of Orpah's, I choose to be Ruth and walk in my purpose, Godfidently.

I'm like a sponge, I absorb my surroundings, therefore, I am mindful of my surroundings and I make no hesitations when it comes to blocking people and things from entering my space. I'm guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve, then villainized often when I've chiseled my final line in stone. Bottom line, if EYE don't fool with you; it's YOUR fault. AINT NO DEVIL IN HELL GONNA WALK ON ME. IF you put your hands on me...there WILL be a FIGHT. I've been called a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I AM. I AM complex, I AM powerful, I AM intuitive, I AM instinctive, I AM intelligent...so yeah, I possess wolf like qualities. I AM is MY shepherd, and before I AM positioned me to lead...I FIRST HAD to FOLLOW...I AM also instilled sheep like qualities in me...I AM meek, I AM quiet, I AM gentle, I AM VALUABLE. Those who called me a wolf in sheep's clothing meant it for evil because they failed at controlling me. 

They thought that my trusting attribute and willingness to SERVE meant that I possessed the "weaker" characteristics of a sheep…you know, defenseLESS, lacKING direction, unable to get UP withOUT their help, unABLE to carry burdens, and would settle for LESS. The fact of the matter is, it was the trials and tribulations that were placed in my path that I’ve learned that sometimes evil works for God and before anyone is allowed to try me, they had to get my Father’s permission. They unknowingly helped clear my path towards greatness. I like to call this my Hedge Fund. ;-) My haughtiness often offends some because I know that MY GOD is bigger than their pharaoh, therefore I have no problems with burning bridges and showing the other wolf like characteristics that I possess...SAVAGE AND VICIOUS. So yeah, I own my wolf status boldly and proudly because unlike the more powerful tiger and lion, the wolf doesn't perform for the circus.

Please remember, GOD closed the Red Sea on pharaoh's army for reason...so if you give me a reason to have a lighter in one hand and lighter fluid in the other...what happens next is the God in me. I move forward in faith and I don't look back...Godfidently knowing that what and who I left behind were NOT attached to MY destiny. I thank my Goliath's before I slay them. Knowing that there would be no David without a Goliath…I'm also a stone collector. I’m uncompromising in my ethics and intrusive in places that are not inclusive. I sit confidently at the table prepared for me in the presence of my enemy and take back what they stole from me. I keep the ones I love and respect close and keep those who try to stop me wondering how in spite of their best efforts, I AM STILL HERE. What would have killed them ONLY made me stronger. I smile in the face of Karma and greet her with a hug, she's been good to me. I sow my seeds with intent, knowing that even those seeds that land outside of my path still benefit from the runoff of nurture, care, and advocacy that I provide for those seedlings growing along my path.

I've been told by those that know me best that I'm like a little butterfly that flutters around flower to flower. I'm not really sure what that means though...some days I think it means that I'm constantly on the move. Then there are days that I feel that it means that as I flutter from flower to flower, I do so with the intention of pollinating and helping things to grow...then there's the theory that a butterfly's flutter can create a tornado...hmm...maybe it's all three...or maybe...just maybe...they are reminding me of the struggles butterflies must endure as caterpillars...with struggles comes persistence, and with persistence comes endurance, and with endurance comes the strength needed to spread your wings and fly...and I AM FLYING! #WithAndAgainstTheWind

I don't fancy myself a GOAL smasher...in fact I'm quite the opposite. I've tripped, I've stumbled, and I've fallen over every goal I've ever set. I rarely finish in first place or when I think I'll be finished or when other say I should be finished. I do, however, pick myself up, yes sometimes with the support of others, I dust myself off, assess my wounds and I keep going...through the pain, doubt, fear and naysayers. In saying that, sometimes I've also had to walk away from some goals and wait for my next steps to be ordered and in doing so, I've accomplished EVERY single GOAL that I've set, slowly...SURELY...and on GOD's timing. AND for that, I'm grateful for all of the bitter losses I've taken and will take just to have a taste of the sweetness of ultimate Victory. I AM patient, I AM a listener, I AM a survivor, I AM a victor, I AM a success, I AM a curse breaker, I AM door knocker, I AM a truth seeker, I AM a bold asker, I AM able, I AM full, I AM whole. Born of God, I’ve OVERcome the world. My MIND, My DRIVE, My CREATIVITY, topped with the Spirit of Discernment AND obedience to follow the steps that have been ordered makes me the most DANGEROUS WOman that you WILL EVER MEET, NO forces of HELL can EVER stop ME; YOU WILL lose sleep trying.

I AM the non-attention seeking, quietest person in the room whose presence alone speaks volumes and intimidates others with an IN YOUR FACE boldness that doesn’t need to be stated because it’s already known. I AM often dismissed and left out of the conversation; NOT because I lack merit, I simply threw out their playbook and did things my way as ordered by I AM. But rest assured when I move, people pay attention, take notes, and level up. I am a goofball who loves to Laugh OUT Loud and have fun. I LIVE, love, and OBSERVE life in the moment, from a distance, in YOUR face, quietly, UNapologetically, loudly, AND proudly. When life hands me lemons, I don't make lemonade, I take those lemons and squirt the juice right in life’s eyes. I love to comfort the afflicted but have a habit of afflicting the comfortable. If you come at me sideways, I'll come at you straight every time. I sometimes have a problem with authority and I rarely ever do what I’m told, ESPECIALLY if it requires me to compromise who I AM. 

Now some may read this and think that I Am insanely wonderful, others may say that I Am just INSANE. Simply put, it's like Eminem said in that song "I Am WHATever YOU say I Am". My ONLY Promise to YOU is unless YOU have a HEAVEN or HELL to put ME in...I WON’T TRY TO CHANGE MYSELF OR YOUR MIND to make YOU feel better, being liked isn't MY priority. NOthing about me or my page has been or will be spared knowing that NO matter what I SAY or DO, SOMEone will dissect, discuss, analyze and send IT to forensics. So I OFFer just ONE WARNing...Like any drug I’m not for everyone, serious side effects may occur AND vary. Consult YOUR therapist before trying to figure me out BECAUSE I have A curious MIND, THIRSTY lips, HUNGRY eyes, AND a FULL mouth…I’M NOT YOUR TYPICAL ANYTHING!~ Sincerely, Caressa-Lynn Frankie "Skeeter" Brown aka #MissBrown"